World Cup Preview - England
Tuesday, October 18, 2022
England shocked the footballing world today by announcing it was limiting its World Cup 2022 roster to “Lads named Ian.” Still surfing the nationalistic Brexit wave, FA President Ian Gregor said the rebranding is intended to “Really, really, really accentuate the Englishness of English football.”
“There’s plenty of darn, fine Ians running about the island,” said Gregor. “We can certainly field a competitive side whilst not running away from our proud heritage of Engliocity.”
Displaced Tottenham striker Harry Kane took the news in stride, stating, “To be fair, Ians are famous for being excellent penalty-takers, so it’s not a horrible idea, is it?”
While England did pull seventeen Ians from across the Premier League, including Arsenal kit-man Ian James, the rest of the twenty-three man roster will be comprised of Ians from the lower leagues, including fifth-flight reserve winger and full-time travel agent Ian Davies, though pundits suspect that the addition of Davies was a poorly disguised effort to book less expensive flights and accommodations.
“Nonsense,” said newly appointed Three Lions manager Ian Hill. “Davies is an explosive talent who has the potential to make a big splash on the world stage. And he inks a darn fine passport.”
“Yeah, I feel I’m ready,” said the portly Davies between bites of a chip-butty at the White Swan, his local. “Sure could use the time away from work.”
An unidentified source inside the FA has confirmed that the all-Ian squad was a hastily devised Plan B, and that the original plan was to field a squad strictly of Nigels. That plan was scrapped due to an apparent shortage of footballing Nigels, many of whom have defected to cricket.
Check back here for more World Cup 2022 previews. Next up – Germany.
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